FONTHILL, ON (APRIL 1) The Town of Pelham is looking to make history after council passed a motion on Saturday morning, April 1, to conduct its finances only in cryptocurrency, beginning no later than Canada Day.
While a small number of cities across the globe, including San Francisco (USA), San Salvador (El Salvador) and Ljubljana (Slovenia) accept some payments in cryptocurrency, Pelham hopes to be the first municipality in world history to fully convert to digital blockchain transactions.
“This move allows the Town to break away from the traditional centralized banking structures that currently manipulate and control global currencies,” said Mayor Marvin Junkin, following the unanimous vote. “The decentralized and unregulated nature of cryptos like Bitcoin will give the Town greater financial independence. We’re gonna be like a dog carrying his own leash!”
It’s not yet clear which cryptocurrencies the Town plans to use, or if the municipality will create its own.
“Well, we already have ‘Pelham Bucks,” mused the Mayor. “Just because they’ve been useless so far doesn’t mean this isn’t their time to pop hotter than a Times Square Rolex.”
“We plan to sort out those minor details over the next few months,” Town CAO David Cribbs explained to PelhamToday. “I’ve instructed staff to put together a report. We have a lot of tech-savvy humans on the team, so we may see about starting our own currency. I mean, imagine if that took off? The Town would be rich overnight!”
“Backyard chickens in every pot,” added Junkin.
Some of these “minor” details may prove to have serious consequences for the Town and its services. Justin Sinneraytit, speaking for the Town’s garbage collection contractor OuttaSight OuttaMind Waste Management, noted that his company does not accept payment in cryptocurrency, and has no plans to start. A similar sentiment was expressed by Axle Braycher, the CFO for the Town’s road maintenance contractor Pothole Packers.
“What? This is unbelievable,” Braycher wrote in an email to PelhamToday.
Both men said their firms will simply stop picking up garbage and maintaining roads if they don’t get paid in Canadian dollars.
The motion also requires that all residents pay the Town portion of their property taxes in cryptocurrency, which could present a problem for many homeowners who have never used decentralized digital assets. Recent security upgrades also require transactions to be completed only on the latest and most advanced smartphones, which typically start at $1500.
According to Councillor Wayne Olson, the Town will run workshops at the Meridian Community Centre to help residents with the transition.
“I’ve been in contact with a very helpful young fellow named Sam Bankman-Fried,” said Olson. “He says that some experienced consultants out of Eastern Europe are ready to call residents at any time to help them convert their pensions and life savings into cryptocurrency, and store it securely on Belarusian proprietary cryptocurrency servers.”
Mayor Junkin added that the “cherry on top of the cheeseburger” is that sports betting website Know When to Fold ‘Em is onboard as a launch sponsor.
“We’re gonna get some very cool bomber jackets out of this,” said Junkin. “And, of course, financial stability.”
April Fuelles is a freelance reporter whose stories appear annually on April 1, and are aimed solely at readers with a healthy sense of humour.
