Today I would like to talk to you about stuff. Ahem.
Stuff.
I have learned that “stuff” is the most powerful non-four-letter word in the world and before you disagree with me, be warned – I have done extensive research.
Okay, perhaps I may have had a little bit too much time on my hands recently, as I’ve unexpectedly found myself in between jobs, following a little misunderstanding with my stupid boss. In my defense, I did not know he was standing right behind me that day.
Now, you may be somewhat surprised to know that I have never been accused of being a genius, but I assure you, my research methodology – in my somewhat humble opinion – is simple and brilliant. All I required was a big, comfy couch, cable TV, and a month’s supply of beer and pretzels.
On the surface, it might appear as if I had suddenly become an unemployed couch potato, but I assure you, in no time flat I earned a PhD level of expertise in the world of stuff.
It wasn’t as easy as it sounds.
Scientific research requires a certain degree of self-sacrifice and time. I would dare anyone to sit as I did, day after day, watching an endless stream of television game shows from Groucho Marx’s, You Bet Your Life (circa 1950s) to Let’s Make a Deal (circa 1970s) and on up from Bob Barker to Drew Carey hosting The Price is Right.
Honestly, I was almost ready to give up my research and find another line of work, when this “Eureka” moment happened out of nowhere.
“Eureka!” I said to no one in particular. I finally realized what the entire world has missed or didn’t care to see for more than 75 years of television game shows.
Admittedly, it was The Price is Right that finally gave me my wake-up call.
Stuff appears to be the one thing that makes being human worthwhile. Stuff, I realized, is what separates humans from animals, who only require food to survive. We humans, however, can’t seem to survive without stuff and the more stuff we have, the better.
Stuff appears to be the one thing that makes being human worthwhile
Also, in that pinnacle moment, I also realized the true reality of what I’d been witnessing all along: game shows are just an illusion. The reality is that I had been watching some cleverly disguised and entertaining infomercials.
Think about it: people stand there guessing the prices of various kinds of stuff after the announcer tells them all about how beautiful and wonderful the stuff would make your life. I had mistakenly assumed that the overly excited contestants were the target audience but no; the real audience consisted of the millions of people who sat on their own comfy couches each afternoon, dreaming that they too might own this stuff one fine day.
See, the people who own all the stuff invented these game shows. It was marketing perfection. For decades, contestants from all walks of life came forward when their names were called, in almost Pavlovian response, jumping up and down, waving their arms and sprinting to the microphones as if they’d already won all the stuff, just so they could guess the price of the next beautiful stuff to be displayed for all to see.
The words, “Come on down,” still induce seizure-like symptoms in contestants, even after decades of use.
The words, “a brand . . . new . . . car!” however, seem to provoke almost orgasmic levels of excitement in most people. Let’s face it – if the announcer said, “You could win a . . . well . . . a pre-loved, secondhand fixer-upper with only 300,000 miles on it!” the level of excitement might be rather flaccid in comparison with the full-masted fun of a “brand-new car!”
It also occurs to me that the guys who own all the stuff likely love to laugh at these poor, pathetic people who so desperately make fools of themselves to get the stuff.
Sadly, stuff seems to be a bona fide aphrodisiac, like Cialis or Viagra, but even more powerful. Consider this: credit cards exist so poor people can also buy stuff; bank robbers exist because they want stuff without paying for it; white-collar criminals exist because the guys with most of the stuff aren’t happy because they don't yet have all of the stuff. Why, some people even kill other people just to get the stuff. Some guys allegedly die as a result of taking Viagra, but I sure doubt they would kill for it.
Stuff really is the most powerful motivation for everything. It is also the reason that people need jobs.
Uh, on that note, does anyone know the best place in town to shop for stuff that stupid ex-bosses might like?
Gulp.
