Hello fellow taxpayers and congratulations: your lives are about to become “more affordable.” Undoubtedly, you are all making plans for that $200 rebate in 2025, as we speak.
See? This is what happens when a Conservative government, “almost” balances Ontario’s books: we get actual cold hard cash for our vote and now, just like magic, life has suddenly become more affordable for eligible Ontarians everywhere.
Now, I’m no financial expert, but I would assume the criteria for being eligible would be simple: extreme, abject poverty, as in, you are poor. That said, I doubt anyone working on Bay Street in Toronto is eligible. Then again, I’ve been wrong before.
Toronto’s homeless population, meanwhile, would not eligible I suspect. They don’t pay taxes on their assets, after all, much like half the more affluent crowd on Bay Street, with tax shelters and offshore accounts.
Ironically, Premier Dougie doesn’t seem to regard homeless people as being poor people, but rather lazy, unfocused individuals who should “get off their ass” and “get a job.”
I suspect, however, that homeless people aren’t really insulted by Premier Dougie’s remarks, mostly because they don’t watch the news; mostly because they don’t have television sets. I also suspect that the message was intended for taxpayers instead of the homeless.
I also suspect that even if a homeless guy were to give up his lavish lifestyle on Bay Street, who would be the first employer to show up with a job for someone who hasn’t shaved, showered or worked in the last decade?
Call me crazy but maybe we should give the $200 to the homeless, so they can retire and get off the streets for good. Not everyone, after all, can drop out of college and inherit a Deco tag business from dad. Some of us need to be a tad more creative at finding money.
Ahem.
On a personal level, I’m wondering, ‘Geez, where should I even begin to count my blessings?’
In reality, I sometimes suspect I took a wrong turn about five or six years ago and I’m now lost under a circus tent, in a world of smoke and mirrors. I can’t even imagine or remember what truth feels like anymore, to be honest.
Gulp.
I no longer count sheep at night. I count all the things I plan to do with my $200 windfall (if I am eligible) – things I’ve always dreamed about doing but never had the spare change to do.
To quote the old Lotto 6/49 slogan: “Imagine!” Holy guacamole. Imagine what you can do with $200. Imagine – this $200 has the potential to change the lives of millions of Ontario families – if they are also eligible.
Imagine: I could possibly purchase two – almost – full bags of groceries – unless I buy meat or vegetables. Imagine being able to cook something you didn’t get at the local Food Bank and it’s almost good for you. That’s just unimaginable.
I might even splurge and take the kiddies for a Sunday drive, buy them double-scoop ice cream cones and, by gosh, I would almost drive home on a full tank of gas, if I don’t go too far. Imagine these memories; surely they would last forever, assuming my old clunker takes us past the town limits and back in one piece.
As a self-styled realist, I prefer not to imagine the things I cannot do with $200: I still cannot retire until I’m about 130; I can’t go to Vegas and play the slots; I still can’t make a down payment on a doghouse in Toronto; I still can’t afford a hot dog and a beer at a Leafs game; I still can’t afford private healthcare; or even pay for my own cremation if I were to kick the bucket in the hospital waiting room.
That said, I’m hoping toe tags are free. They are free, right?
Personally, I have no problem admitting that my vote can be bought. I just think my vote is worth slightly more than $200. It doesn’t really feel like my life will be much more affordable; it feels slightly akin to the notion of giving a dog a bone. As many a Catholic such as myself would say: ‘And Jesus wept.’
I know what I can and cannot do with $200 rebate in 2025.
I also know what Premier Dougie can do with it, too.
